Socialization

When you bring up home learning in a conversation, inevitably the question of socialization arises.  A very good question indeed.  What a big word.  What does it mean to you?

One simple answer might be to become a member of society, to fit in and belong.  But there are so many other aspects involved:                                   

• Making friends, choosing your own friends, not those chosen for you by your parents.
• Learning to get a long with different types of people, even those you don't share much in common with or like much.
• Learning to collaborate, interrupt, make suggestions, debate, stand up for your opinions, disagree, compete, concede, consider others before yourself.
• Learning to respect authority, respect difference, respect your gifts, your role, respect the planet.
• Learning to follow rules, orders.
• Learning to stand up to a bully, rudeness, others' judgements, being put down or disrespected by adults as well as children.
• Learning to be tough, bully back, or simply hide your feelings, become invisible enough that no one will notice that you are "dumber" or "smarter".
• Learning to look to those older or in higher positions of power for the answers, the right way, the rules, approval.
• Learning to fear or disrespect these same authority figures who seem to have little knowledge of your needs, interests or true skills.
• Learning get along with many members of society, of any age, make friends with any age, learn from people of any age, choose your own teachers, your own team-members, those you work well together with.
• Learning to take responsibility for your actions, your choices, learn to be self-motivated, and worthy, and honour your participation in society.
• Learn to become a cog or a wheel.
• Learn to be cool, fit in, wear the right clothes, attach to right group, who share the same image, brand loyalty, cause or pass-time as you.
• Learn to be unique, confident, original.
• Become a member of a tribe, a community, a gang - belong.
• Learn to hold an intelligent conversation with a three year old or a 70 year old.
• Have the skills to not only show respect to those two, but also share interests, and concern for their well-being.
• Learn how the world works, what people do for jobs, how they interact, how they learned what they do, what family relations are.
• Be able to socialize when you feel like it, get quiet time, or time alone when you need it.
• Learn to copy your peers so that you don't get ostracized or lose friends.

The list can go on, and on, and on, there are so many things involved.  It is very worthwhile, I believe, for each of us to ask not only what socialization is, but also what we perceive as positive or negative socialization.  Many who choose home learning, do so as they believe that school offers more negative than positive, or perhaps better put that society at large, offers so many more positives than school.

I tend to agree.   The two boys that Daniel has become close with other than his neighbourhood friends, the children he's met through our home daycare, and friends he's met through his family connections, are home learner's we met in a small group that gathered for about a year and then disbanded.  Though, each of the three boys come from very different families, with rather distinct value systems, and one a year older, the other two years older than Daniel, they get along very well.

When is it that any adult has to spend most of the day together with a group of 15 or 30 people exactly the same age?  Why is it so important for children to learn this?  How does this help prepare them to be functional members of society?

So far, I think Daniel is doing well, has managed the waters of the group daycare his dad sent him to, and the preschool experience fairly well.  I believe most wholeheartedly in attachment parenting, the continuum concept, the work of Gordon Neufeld, and what some advocates of home schooling have written, that above all else, children need secure attachments, respectful loving bonds with adults.  They can have these with their teachers.  But so often the case is as children start to detach from their parents, start in daycare, preschool, kindergarten, their emotional and security needs are not met by the adults there, and they look to their peers for this security.  I have noticed a little of this with Daniel.

But luckily, he has spent a lot of time in secure attachment with me, his father, and a couple of other care-givers, and he is blossoming as a social being.  Having his emotional needs for security met, he is free to branch into the larger social network, find friends, test ideas, care for others, extend trust.

He can be shy at times, much less so than before, but still very selective in who he wants to meet and greet, who he will choose as a new friend to play with in the park.  He is slow to trust, but once he's built a relationship, will usually keep it.  I have learned that he is much more comfortable in smaller groups, and tends to either balk at large crowds, or cling more, need more adult interaction, or simply get very hyper - my guess as a way of dealing with the stress.  I have seen him go up to a new child and invite him to play, and I have seen him hang on to my leg and beg me to help him ask a child if he can join the game.  I've watched Daniel totally ignore an adult who tries to engage with him, and at another time, seek out, and introduce himself to an adult he is interested in.

Daniel has had experience with many different groups of people, many children of all ages, many different kinds of adults.  Adults often think he is much older than he is because he is often willing to engage them in a "deep" conversation.  He can play with children much younger and much older than himself, organize games, discuss rules, acknowledge and compliment others ideas or efforts.  Until recently he has been very aware of others needs, shown compassion to others.  I see this waning in the past few months....and am not completely sure why.


I don't believe he has learned these social skills in the large daycare center he went to briefly or the small Montessori preschool he attends presently 2/3 mornings a week.  I believe he learned this from me and his father, from his experience in the world around him, and mostly his experiences hanging out at home, out and about in different social settings with me and the other children in my care.  In many ways, it is like having a larger family, where the bonds, respect, and ways of being, co-existing, develop over time, as the trust is built. We experience frustration and joy, learning to set boundaries, learning to work together, teaching and caring for the younger ones, learning from, standing up against, and reasoning with the older ones.  There is time for this trust to build, time to discover commonalities and roles, calm and space to reflect, withdraw from the crowd, make choices, express needs, and also importantly have enough adults around to model life skills, communication skills, real work, and give the loving nurturing that a growing child needs.